can't let go.

i had my first "real" boyfriend the summer before i started highschool.
we dated from may until the next january.
we loved each other.
we were so weird together, and i've never felt so comfortable with any other guy.
we were a great couple.
we broke up because we started fighting a lot.
i think it was mainly my fault.
i'm a pretty jealous person.

i thought it was normal that i still had feelings for him for awhile after we broke up.
the next school year though, i still missed him a lot.
we tried talking about being friends,
but we would always end up fighting, so that didn't work.
i didn't understand how people that used to be SO CLOSE, could end up so far away from each other.

i remembered that when we broke up, he said that we wanted to try things again junior or senior year.
well, it was junior year.
and i still wasn't over him.
i still thought about him a lot.
i still got really jealous when i saw him with another girl.
in fact, during prom i went to the bathroom crying because he was dancing with a bunch of girls.
i don't even know why i was crying.
maybe because i could have never imagined him being so outgoing with another girl, than me.
the summer leading up to senior year, i didn't think about him much.

but then i saw him in the hallways, and it was just... weird.
i see all these friends that he has, and it doesn't seem possible.
he used to be so distant from people.
today i was told that he has a date to prom...
that hurt me.
i don't know what is wrong with me, but it just hurt.
i can't expect us to be together.
things wouldn't be the same at all,
and we're both totally different people than before.
it wouldn't be possible at all.
so why do i want to be with him so bad?
or why do i even care if he talks to other girls?

i've had lots and lots of relationships since then, but none of them have been the same.
he doesn't date the girls that he hangs out with or whatever.
he hasn't even kissed anyone other than me...
so what am i so worried about?



DANGIT.
sweet obsession. this is ridiculous.