i'm afraid to say anything to you.

as if each word i say brings me

further

away.

i don't know how i'm supposed to act,

now that you like me.

i wish i knew what drew you to me,

so that i could bring those qualities out more.

wonderful new boy.

at first i was hesitant.

unsure if i'm just settling again.

but then, i realized how many hearty laughs you had gotten out of me.

i realized the goosebumps i had gotten when your arm grazed

mine.

when you felt down from my bicep to my forearm,

it only felt natural to intertwine our fingers

when your reached them.

after our hugs goodnight,

and long goodbyes,

you text me to tell you how you wish the hug lasted longer.

you tell me that there's no one in the world you would've been happier to meet

than me.

you say i'm the most awesome girl in the world.

amazing. beautiful. wonderful.

how am i not supposed to assume that you have feelings for me?

the next day,

you tell me you do like me,

but want to continue "just hanging out."

i want the same thing as you do.

the exact same thing.

affectionate friends.

more than friends.

not in a relationship,

but more than friends.

so why does it disappoint me so much that you don't want me?

is it because you don't want me as much as i thought you did?

i'm tempted to ask you what is so

amazing, beautiful, wonderful

about me,

if you don't even want me as your love?

so unsure

if what you say is sincere,

or just flattery.

how do i take you seriously,

when you wear such ridiculous

sunglasses?

"How nice- to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive."
-Kurt Vonnegut

ERIN

butcher.

i knew we'd talk through this.

there will always be things for me to show you.

this will stick with me:

"“Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You’re deeply miss-able. However, he’s still the same person who broke your heart. Remember the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.”

taking a break from facebook.

probably until next monday, but who knows.

i'm tired of all of the social anxiety that comes with it.

umm

just deleted more than 100 people from my facebook.

i really need a positive environment...

i need more girl friends.

less stupid boys.

why do i feel so awful today?

i'm self conscious about everything, from my weight to my personality.

how can someone be self conscious about their personality? that's stupid.

homework causes stress which causes acne and weight gain, which causes low self esteem.

you have to do a whole ton of work just to turn in an amount of work that doesn't seem to be good enough... which causes you to no longer even give a crap about homework.

FACK COLLEGEEE

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/triplexgroovy

i don't

feel close to anyone.

anymore.

so many things

so many things i wish i would've said to you.

who knows if that was the last time we'd ever speak?

you went on and on about how i was young,

and that i had so much time to fall in love.

that's not the issue.

the issue is that i don't want to fall in love

with anyone else.

we're holding each other back from others,

and i love you enough to let you go.

lul cute

"i won't let you be alone, especially on valentines day."

-the bff of this boy i was interested in.

it's all over.

i texted him, asking if we could talk after work.

i told him that we couldn't hang out anymore.

at first, he seemed mad... he said "at all? why not?"

i told him that i needed to get over him,

and i couldn't do that unless i didnt talk to him anymore.

he told me that he was sorry for always treating me badly.

he said the reason that he always treated me badly was because he wanted to push himself away from me, so he wouldn't develop deeper emotions.

he told me that he cared about me,

and that he wants me to call him if i have problems i need to talk about.

he asked for one last hug,

which lasted well over a couple minutes.

i cried and cried and cried,

and i saw some tears that he was trying to hide, too.

that closure was what i needed.

these past 4 days of just ignoring him have been hell.

i was so paranoid with all of the thoughts built up in my head of what could happen and how he would react... i didn't even think about how many things would end nicely, because they were meant to end nicely...

this ending is opening up so many doors to new beginnings..

new beginnings that will begin the life that is planned for me.

Day 2.

going through withdrawal.

texts.

him: what time do you work today?

me: i don't work.

him: ok cool so what you doin today?

a few hours later

what's going on?

me: nothing. i can't drive you tonight.

him: why?

me: i have plans.

him: oh so your mad at me? ok.

a few minutes later

i take that as a yes

me: i'm not mad.

him: then what are you doing?

me: i have plans.

him: k cool well ill have fun without you and get drunk.

a few minutes later

oh, and no vals next week i guess.

a few hours later

i'm sorry, we can go to vals if you want.

i tried to only respond when i had to...

he's ridiculous.

notice how he got mad only because i wouldn't do him a favor that i always do anyway.

why haven't you called or texted?

this is definite reassurance that i mean absolutely nothing to you unless you need something.

i'm nervous for the next time that we talk...

it has the potential to devastate me.

you admit that she's stupid. that she's too ditzy. that you don't even know if you like her. yet you choose her over me.

the one that you tell everything to. that would promise to be by your side forever, if i had the option to do so. the one that has loved you every minute of everyday since she's met you.

me.

the age difference is too much?

you're choosing her simply because she's closer in age.

you should choose me, simply because we love each other.

something happened today,

that made me realize how much God wants me to stay away from you.

i don't know it was coincidence.

the timing was too great.

i think i really do need to find a way to get you out of my life...

forever.

Him: thank you, you're so sweet to me, love you honey.

Me: love you too

Him: You are going to make a guy really happy, cause you're like the best girl in the universe.

Me: Oh, well i wish more guys saw that, but thank you.

Him: Well I know of a million guys that would love you.

WAIT A SECOND...

1. you just TOLD me you love me.

2. why can't one of the million guys that you know would love me in that way, be you?

so many mixed signals.

i don't know how to end everything with you.

why would i let things get this far??

i do NOT blame myself for thinking that you feel the same way towards me.

you can't tell someone you love them constantly, hold their hand, kiss them, and TAKE THEM ON DATES, if you don't care about them as more than a friend.

so, that's pretty cool.

pretty excited for the day when i can finally say i'm moved on from you,

and have replaced you with someone that is ASSURED that he loves me.

i don't want to talk about my feelings anymore,

cause once i open up to someone, i don't want to stop.

and i become a nuisance.

the more i care about what someone thinks of me,

the less they like me.

i try so hard to get them to like me,

and it always fails.

i need to STOP giving a fuck,

and START letting friendships and relationships begin on their own.

without force.

i go between knowing that i'm in love with you,

and be okay with it,

to being in love with you,

and wondering why i'm putting my heart on the line for you.

my therapist only talks.

she doesn't listen.

when i talk, she treats it as just a casual conversation,

as if what she's saying is the same as what i'm saying.

i'm seeking her out to listen.

sometimes i just need someone to listen.

i don't want to hear her personal stories anymore.

they don't relate to me at all.

she doesn't even know about what triggered my relapse.

she doesn't even know how bad things really are getting.

i feel like a pest, talking to other people about this.

i feel like i need to apologize after every conversation i have.

all i do is apologize. for being annoying. for talking too much.

for not being able to take my own fucking advice.

sometimes i feel like i deserve an outstanding guy.

the guy that i've waited all my life for,

the one that i'll know is perfect for me, the moment we start to talk.

the one that makes me laugh, instead of cry.

but do i deserve this?

and if i do deserve it, is it even possible?

some talk about love at first sight.

some talk about love taking tons of work.

what do i deserve? a love that i have to work hard for?

or a love that just comes to me?

my standards for a man go up and down

everyday.

i switch between thinking i deserve the best

to wondering if i'm being to hard on the fellow i'm turning down.

there was a time when there wasn't a single guy that was interested in me.

how am i not supposed to take advantage of the fact that there have been a few in the past?

how am i supposed to look past them, when i think daily about how there could never be another man in the world that could view me in such a positive light.

how do i ease my mind, and remind myself that i'm too young to worry about falling in love,

especially when i'm at such a vulnerable stage of recovery, and life?