my therapist only talks.

she doesn't listen.

when i talk, she treats it as just a casual conversation,

as if what she's saying is the same as what i'm saying.

i'm seeking her out to listen.

sometimes i just need someone to listen.

i don't want to hear her personal stories anymore.

they don't relate to me at all.

she doesn't even know about what triggered my relapse.

she doesn't even know how bad things really are getting.

i feel like a pest, talking to other people about this.

i feel like i need to apologize after every conversation i have.

all i do is apologize. for being annoying. for talking too much.

for not being able to take my own fucking advice.

sometimes i feel like i deserve an outstanding guy.

the guy that i've waited all my life for,

the one that i'll know is perfect for me, the moment we start to talk.

the one that makes me laugh, instead of cry.

but do i deserve this?

and if i do deserve it, is it even possible?

some talk about love at first sight.

some talk about love taking tons of work.

what do i deserve? a love that i have to work hard for?

or a love that just comes to me?

my standards for a man go up and down

everyday.

i switch between thinking i deserve the best

to wondering if i'm being to hard on the fellow i'm turning down.

there was a time when there wasn't a single guy that was interested in me.

how am i not supposed to take advantage of the fact that there have been a few in the past?

how am i supposed to look past them, when i think daily about how there could never be another man in the world that could view me in such a positive light.

how do i ease my mind, and remind myself that i'm too young to worry about falling in love,

especially when i'm at such a vulnerable stage of recovery, and life?