my life is getting back on track.

i'm up to 2 miles, 5 days a week.

i'm boyless, and therefore more mentally sane.

i'm feeling more confident about the way i look.

i still have a lot of anxiety, but i'm getting used to it.

i don't notice my twitches or anything anymore.

it's hard to not feel lonely when i'm so distant from friends from high school.

my classes are only 11 weeks long... who can establish an actual friendship that will last outside of the classroom, in 11 weeks?

i'm trying to stay close and get closer with my family.

they're the only people that i don't think will be leaving my life any time soon.

i can honestly say that i will not allow another boy into my life that i have doubts about.

after every failed relationship, i get stronger in a way.

i know the signs of a bad guy,

and i'm paying close detail to every one of them.

i'm going to be single for awhile. even if i meet someone i like,

he'll have to like me enough to wait for me to be ready.

i've turned into an insomniac.

social anxiety.

i'm dating this boy.

things were rocky,

but now i'm reassured.

"i'll text you in the morning. they'll probably be super cute texts."

tired of the paranoia.

how does a gal face this alone?

all of these awful boys are invading my life in the same 2 days.

seriously, 3 boys in one weekend.

i have too many decisions to make,

and i dont know how to make them.

I NEED TO STOP DOING STUPID SHIT.

i saw you today.

it made the situation worse.

i had thought you wanted me me me.

but you had your eye on something else.

my heart sunk when you gave me a little wave with that half smile of yours.

ended things with one boy, because i saw my pattern repeating.

things started happening again a little bit, so i put my foot down and ended it again.

tonight, an old flame wanted to hang out.

i said yes at first,

but then reminded myself about what a bad idea that was.

so i told him no.

i cannot go to boys from the past.

i cannot give second chances when it comes to this.

it's a waste of my time and emotions.

i'm glad that i turned them down.

maybe now that i've gotten rid of them,

i can clear the way for the right guy.

not gonna hold my breath for that one though.

school starts tomorrow. hoping to meet lots of new people in my classes.

also, giving up facebook again for awhile after wednesday.

(not funny. loljk.)

i find myself flirting with every attractive male customer that comes through my line at work.

or at least giving him a noticeable look-over.

i haven't been unattached in a very very long time.

i haven't been able to flirt in awhile.

sweet.

i hope i can make the right decisions this time.

it's hard to not feel lonely and without friends during college.

i'm always at work with the same old people, or i'm transferring to different departments.

or at school where i change which classes i'm in times a year.

how am i supposed to make new friends when i'm transferring everywhere all the time?

i miss high school.

i miss having friends.

i should not have driven across town after taking my medicine for the first time in 3 days.

scariest experience of my life.

i've been so paranoid about everything lately.

i've had intense social anxiety.

i now have to take mood stabalizers to help that crap out.

i feel like i'm just always drugged up.

i take twice the amount of depression medicine as i did before. that's the highest dose that i can be on while on this medicine.

i take my anxiety medicine three times a day.

and now, mood stabalizers at night.

i don't even really have happiness anymore.

when i'm on the medicine, i'm neither happy or sad.

i'm just blah.

just there.

just breathing.

i can't wait to be alive again.

so far as love is concerned,

I have decided to refuse to settle

I don’t want something mediocre, and I think I deserve better. I think we all do.

i feel the need to be surrounded by people.

i think i'm beginning to be OCD about the people i date.

if i notice too many similarities between the new boy, and the most recent ex boyfriend, i hardly give them a chance.

for example,

my last guy always called me "snooki". i think he probably referred to me by my real name only 3 times in the entire time we were together or even saw each other.

now, this boy who i'm interested in always calls me "sunshine".

he's probably only said my real name once.

maybe it doesn't seem like that striking of a similarity,

but for some reason, it's something i noticed really quickly.

this situation is hurting my heart.
you say that you'll always be here for me.
where are you now, when i need you most?

maybe what i'm feeling most is shame.

maybe it's anger.

maybe it's sadness.

maybe it's embarrassment.

it's situations like these that make me wish that i had an easier time when it comes to identifying why i feel a certain way.

or what i'm feeling.

i want to hurt you the way you've hurt me.

i want to show you that you aren't the only one who can hurt me.

i can hurt myself too.

so many negative thoughts of self deprecation,

only so that i can pay you back for what you've done.

you are not worth any more pain.

you were not worth the initial pain.

don't get off in thinking that you had so much control over me

that you broke me down to this.

didn't you know that i was already broken?

you have only deepened the wound.

you weren't ready for a relationship, you said.

the truth: you didn't want me.

you wanted someone else.

so why did you do this to me?

why did you take everything i had?

why did you use me and tear me down to this breaking point?

i try to convince myself that you aren't worth it..

all that i remember about you is the future i saw with us.

how have i already moved on to another girl?

why would i invest my emotions into yet another person who only thinks with their penis?

i should be focusing on myself,

yet i'm already moving in the vicious circle of rebounds that i've been caught up in for so long.

i need to stop.

change.

renew.

give up.

feel like shit.

the way you talk to me

when we first wake up next to each other,

is the way i want to remember you forever.

you forget that you need to hide how you feel about me.

you let your guard down,

and let me see into you.

i just want honesty from you.

lying to me, and lying to yourself.

i wish i could read your mind, so i could find out the truth.

so many mixed signals

so many lies

so many reasons why i shouldn't keep this charade up.

but every time i consider ending everything with you,

even if it means ending our friendship as well,

i remember the way you talk to me when we first wake up.

"I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep & there are no words for that"

"Anyone can slay a dragon ...but try waking up every morning and loving the world all over again. That's what takes a real hero."

"I was waiting for the longest time, she said. I thought you forgot.
It is hard to forget, I said, when there is such an empty space when you are gone."

"I saw them standing there pretending to be just friends, when all the time in the world could not pry them apart."

"In the end, I think that I will like that we were sitting on the bed, talking & wondering where the time had gone."

"They came to sit & dangle their feet off the edge of the world & after awhile they forgot everything but the good & true things they would do someday."

"We sat in the car
& the night dropped
down until the
only sounds were
the crickets &
the dance of our voices
& for a moment
the world became
small enough to
roll back & forth

between us."

i hold these dear in my heart. i'm unsure why.

Haley
just slightly confused about things that aren't important.

7:45pmDilly
Oh boys, ok

7:45pmHaley
haha
exactly

you tell me you love me again.

was it because you were "caught up in the moment" of intimacy?

you tell me you want me to meet your parents.

was it because you introduce all of your friends to your parents?

you tell me that you've been planning to take me to olive garden.

was it because friends always think about and plan on taking each other to nice restaurants?

we are so obviously more than friends.

i am so excited for the day that you realize it.

you aren't like the past guys.

you don't feel like you have some manly thing to prove to me.

you don't try to impress me with petty things.

you open the door for me, stand in the driveway until my cars out of eyes distance, you hold me up so i don't fall on the ice.

i wish your feelings weren't so bipolar.

after kissing me goodnight,

he whispered:
"i love you, snooki baby."

i guess this whole "not giving a shit" thing is working.

i'm afraid to say anything to you.

as if each word i say brings me

further

away.

i don't know how i'm supposed to act,

now that you like me.

i wish i knew what drew you to me,

so that i could bring those qualities out more.

wonderful new boy.

at first i was hesitant.

unsure if i'm just settling again.

but then, i realized how many hearty laughs you had gotten out of me.

i realized the goosebumps i had gotten when your arm grazed

mine.

when you felt down from my bicep to my forearm,

it only felt natural to intertwine our fingers

when your reached them.

after our hugs goodnight,

and long goodbyes,

you text me to tell you how you wish the hug lasted longer.

you tell me that there's no one in the world you would've been happier to meet

than me.

you say i'm the most awesome girl in the world.

amazing. beautiful. wonderful.

how am i not supposed to assume that you have feelings for me?

the next day,

you tell me you do like me,

but want to continue "just hanging out."

i want the same thing as you do.

the exact same thing.

affectionate friends.

more than friends.

not in a relationship,

but more than friends.

so why does it disappoint me so much that you don't want me?

is it because you don't want me as much as i thought you did?

i'm tempted to ask you what is so

amazing, beautiful, wonderful

about me,

if you don't even want me as your love?

so unsure

if what you say is sincere,

or just flattery.

how do i take you seriously,

when you wear such ridiculous

sunglasses?

"How nice- to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive."
-Kurt Vonnegut

ERIN

butcher.

i knew we'd talk through this.

there will always be things for me to show you.

this will stick with me:

"“Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You’re deeply miss-able. However, he’s still the same person who broke your heart. Remember the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.”

taking a break from facebook.

probably until next monday, but who knows.

i'm tired of all of the social anxiety that comes with it.

umm

just deleted more than 100 people from my facebook.

i really need a positive environment...

i need more girl friends.

less stupid boys.

why do i feel so awful today?

i'm self conscious about everything, from my weight to my personality.

how can someone be self conscious about their personality? that's stupid.

homework causes stress which causes acne and weight gain, which causes low self esteem.

you have to do a whole ton of work just to turn in an amount of work that doesn't seem to be good enough... which causes you to no longer even give a crap about homework.

FACK COLLEGEEE

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/triplexgroovy

i don't

feel close to anyone.

anymore.

so many things

so many things i wish i would've said to you.

who knows if that was the last time we'd ever speak?

you went on and on about how i was young,

and that i had so much time to fall in love.

that's not the issue.

the issue is that i don't want to fall in love

with anyone else.

we're holding each other back from others,

and i love you enough to let you go.

lul cute

"i won't let you be alone, especially on valentines day."

-the bff of this boy i was interested in.

it's all over.

i texted him, asking if we could talk after work.

i told him that we couldn't hang out anymore.

at first, he seemed mad... he said "at all? why not?"

i told him that i needed to get over him,

and i couldn't do that unless i didnt talk to him anymore.

he told me that he was sorry for always treating me badly.

he said the reason that he always treated me badly was because he wanted to push himself away from me, so he wouldn't develop deeper emotions.

he told me that he cared about me,

and that he wants me to call him if i have problems i need to talk about.

he asked for one last hug,

which lasted well over a couple minutes.

i cried and cried and cried,

and i saw some tears that he was trying to hide, too.

that closure was what i needed.

these past 4 days of just ignoring him have been hell.

i was so paranoid with all of the thoughts built up in my head of what could happen and how he would react... i didn't even think about how many things would end nicely, because they were meant to end nicely...

this ending is opening up so many doors to new beginnings..

new beginnings that will begin the life that is planned for me.

Day 2.

going through withdrawal.

texts.

him: what time do you work today?

me: i don't work.

him: ok cool so what you doin today?

a few hours later

what's going on?

me: nothing. i can't drive you tonight.

him: why?

me: i have plans.

him: oh so your mad at me? ok.

a few minutes later

i take that as a yes

me: i'm not mad.

him: then what are you doing?

me: i have plans.

him: k cool well ill have fun without you and get drunk.

a few minutes later

oh, and no vals next week i guess.

a few hours later

i'm sorry, we can go to vals if you want.

i tried to only respond when i had to...

he's ridiculous.

notice how he got mad only because i wouldn't do him a favor that i always do anyway.

why haven't you called or texted?

this is definite reassurance that i mean absolutely nothing to you unless you need something.

i'm nervous for the next time that we talk...

it has the potential to devastate me.

you admit that she's stupid. that she's too ditzy. that you don't even know if you like her. yet you choose her over me.

the one that you tell everything to. that would promise to be by your side forever, if i had the option to do so. the one that has loved you every minute of everyday since she's met you.

me.

the age difference is too much?

you're choosing her simply because she's closer in age.

you should choose me, simply because we love each other.

something happened today,

that made me realize how much God wants me to stay away from you.

i don't know it was coincidence.

the timing was too great.

i think i really do need to find a way to get you out of my life...

forever.

Him: thank you, you're so sweet to me, love you honey.

Me: love you too

Him: You are going to make a guy really happy, cause you're like the best girl in the universe.

Me: Oh, well i wish more guys saw that, but thank you.

Him: Well I know of a million guys that would love you.

WAIT A SECOND...

1. you just TOLD me you love me.

2. why can't one of the million guys that you know would love me in that way, be you?

so many mixed signals.

i don't know how to end everything with you.

why would i let things get this far??

i do NOT blame myself for thinking that you feel the same way towards me.

you can't tell someone you love them constantly, hold their hand, kiss them, and TAKE THEM ON DATES, if you don't care about them as more than a friend.

so, that's pretty cool.

pretty excited for the day when i can finally say i'm moved on from you,

and have replaced you with someone that is ASSURED that he loves me.

i don't want to talk about my feelings anymore,

cause once i open up to someone, i don't want to stop.

and i become a nuisance.

the more i care about what someone thinks of me,

the less they like me.

i try so hard to get them to like me,

and it always fails.

i need to STOP giving a fuck,

and START letting friendships and relationships begin on their own.

without force.

i go between knowing that i'm in love with you,

and be okay with it,

to being in love with you,

and wondering why i'm putting my heart on the line for you.

my therapist only talks.

she doesn't listen.

when i talk, she treats it as just a casual conversation,

as if what she's saying is the same as what i'm saying.

i'm seeking her out to listen.

sometimes i just need someone to listen.

i don't want to hear her personal stories anymore.

they don't relate to me at all.

she doesn't even know about what triggered my relapse.

she doesn't even know how bad things really are getting.

i feel like a pest, talking to other people about this.

i feel like i need to apologize after every conversation i have.

all i do is apologize. for being annoying. for talking too much.

for not being able to take my own fucking advice.

sometimes i feel like i deserve an outstanding guy.

the guy that i've waited all my life for,

the one that i'll know is perfect for me, the moment we start to talk.

the one that makes me laugh, instead of cry.

but do i deserve this?

and if i do deserve it, is it even possible?

some talk about love at first sight.

some talk about love taking tons of work.

what do i deserve? a love that i have to work hard for?

or a love that just comes to me?

my standards for a man go up and down

everyday.

i switch between thinking i deserve the best

to wondering if i'm being to hard on the fellow i'm turning down.

there was a time when there wasn't a single guy that was interested in me.

how am i not supposed to take advantage of the fact that there have been a few in the past?

how am i supposed to look past them, when i think daily about how there could never be another man in the world that could view me in such a positive light.

how do i ease my mind, and remind myself that i'm too young to worry about falling in love,

especially when i'm at such a vulnerable stage of recovery, and life?

sweet sorrow

i want your love.

you want my body.

your lusting has gone too far.

to the point where it could pass

as love.

why do you act like you love

me?

your subtle changes in actions

and words

give me every reason to believe

that you're in love with me,

like i am with you.

the tingling of my lips

reminds me of my regrets.

why do i give into your kiss?

why do i go back to your abuse

time

and

time

again?

i wonder

i wonder

if i should smoke cigarettes

until my lungs go limp,

so that i

no longer

say

stupid

words.

drunkeness.

no matter how drunk you are,

i relish in your every touch.

when you lay your shoulder on me

from being passed out.

when you hold my hand for help out of the car

when you miss my lips for a kiss.

i love you.

i love you so truly and deeply.

if the only way i can have you care about me is when you're drunk...

so

be

it.

heart.

boys.

whenever i am tempted get closer with a boy, i get on chatroulette to remind myself of why i hate them so much.

i was talking to a boy on chatroulette, but i got tired of him so i said i was going to bed.

he says "wait, do you want to see my dick first?"

i knew that he would say something like that, and i had noticed the necklace he was wearing, that had a cross on it.

i said "you shouldn't wear a cross around your neck if you're going to be a pervert. blasphemy, i'd say."

so after a few seconds he goes "so... is that a no?"

i wish

that i knew how i acted, when you liked me. i'm not sure how much i've changed since then, and i'm not really sure how much you've changed, but it makes me really wonder how to act to be lovable again.

I MEAN, YEAAAH.

i mean yeah, so what if i spend my day off on the couch?

IDGAF!

:D

hello, handsome.

give me that charming, boyish smile.

show me you love me in demiurgic ways.

spend you're time with me, and make every moment

worthwhile.

think of me all of your waking days.

want me, need me, find it difficult to resist me.

i'll love you, hold you, show you the way to peace.

HUH?!

perfect?

you like my hips in this dress
my arms in this shirt
my chest in this blouse
my legs in this skirt.
am i supposed
to wear all of them
at once?
how can i
be perfect,
when you only like certain parts of me
in certain
pieces
of clothing?

-hales magee.

crap.

i no longer have to deal with you abuse. how stubborn you are. your ridiculously pale skin. your dumb cowlick. your lies. how stupid your "your mom" jokes are. your insecurities. your financial woes. your inability to have a serious conversation. your ability to make me feel like crap in a matter of a few words. your wandering eyes. your sexual innuendos about random girls.

i no longer have to deal with your kisses. your hugs. your jokes. you replacing song lyrics with my name, to make it romantic. our tickle fights. your awful singing voice, that was so easy to sing along with. your ability to make me feel alright. our inside jokes. vow of protection against our coworkers, with each other. your willingness to drive all the way to my house, just to watch the stars with me.

i no longer have to deal with your indecisiveness about whether you want to be with me or not.

now, i just have to deal with the fact that i'll always want to be with you.