i saw you today.

it made the situation worse.

i had thought you wanted me me me.

but you had your eye on something else.

my heart sunk when you gave me a little wave with that half smile of yours.

ended things with one boy, because i saw my pattern repeating.

things started happening again a little bit, so i put my foot down and ended it again.

tonight, an old flame wanted to hang out.

i said yes at first,

but then reminded myself about what a bad idea that was.

so i told him no.

i cannot go to boys from the past.

i cannot give second chances when it comes to this.

it's a waste of my time and emotions.

i'm glad that i turned them down.

maybe now that i've gotten rid of them,

i can clear the way for the right guy.

not gonna hold my breath for that one though.

school starts tomorrow. hoping to meet lots of new people in my classes.

also, giving up facebook again for awhile after wednesday.

(not funny. loljk.)

i find myself flirting with every attractive male customer that comes through my line at work.

or at least giving him a noticeable look-over.

i haven't been unattached in a very very long time.

i haven't been able to flirt in awhile.

sweet.

i hope i can make the right decisions this time.

it's hard to not feel lonely and without friends during college.

i'm always at work with the same old people, or i'm transferring to different departments.

or at school where i change which classes i'm in times a year.

how am i supposed to make new friends when i'm transferring everywhere all the time?

i miss high school.

i miss having friends.

i should not have driven across town after taking my medicine for the first time in 3 days.

scariest experience of my life.

i've been so paranoid about everything lately.

i've had intense social anxiety.

i now have to take mood stabalizers to help that crap out.

i feel like i'm just always drugged up.

i take twice the amount of depression medicine as i did before. that's the highest dose that i can be on while on this medicine.

i take my anxiety medicine three times a day.

and now, mood stabalizers at night.

i don't even really have happiness anymore.

when i'm on the medicine, i'm neither happy or sad.

i'm just blah.

just there.

just breathing.

i can't wait to be alive again.

so far as love is concerned,

I have decided to refuse to settle

I don’t want something mediocre, and I think I deserve better. I think we all do.

i feel the need to be surrounded by people.

i think i'm beginning to be OCD about the people i date.

if i notice too many similarities between the new boy, and the most recent ex boyfriend, i hardly give them a chance.

for example,

my last guy always called me "snooki". i think he probably referred to me by my real name only 3 times in the entire time we were together or even saw each other.

now, this boy who i'm interested in always calls me "sunshine".

he's probably only said my real name once.

maybe it doesn't seem like that striking of a similarity,

but for some reason, it's something i noticed really quickly.

this situation is hurting my heart.
you say that you'll always be here for me.
where are you now, when i need you most?

maybe what i'm feeling most is shame.

maybe it's anger.

maybe it's sadness.

maybe it's embarrassment.

it's situations like these that make me wish that i had an easier time when it comes to identifying why i feel a certain way.

or what i'm feeling.

i want to hurt you the way you've hurt me.

i want to show you that you aren't the only one who can hurt me.

i can hurt myself too.

so many negative thoughts of self deprecation,

only so that i can pay you back for what you've done.

you are not worth any more pain.

you were not worth the initial pain.

don't get off in thinking that you had so much control over me

that you broke me down to this.

didn't you know that i was already broken?

you have only deepened the wound.

you weren't ready for a relationship, you said.

the truth: you didn't want me.

you wanted someone else.

so why did you do this to me?

why did you take everything i had?

why did you use me and tear me down to this breaking point?

i try to convince myself that you aren't worth it..

all that i remember about you is the future i saw with us.

how have i already moved on to another girl?

why would i invest my emotions into yet another person who only thinks with their penis?

i should be focusing on myself,

yet i'm already moving in the vicious circle of rebounds that i've been caught up in for so long.

i need to stop.

change.

renew.

give up.

feel like shit.

the way you talk to me

when we first wake up next to each other,

is the way i want to remember you forever.

you forget that you need to hide how you feel about me.

you let your guard down,

and let me see into you.

i just want honesty from you.

lying to me, and lying to yourself.

i wish i could read your mind, so i could find out the truth.

so many mixed signals

so many lies

so many reasons why i shouldn't keep this charade up.

but every time i consider ending everything with you,

even if it means ending our friendship as well,

i remember the way you talk to me when we first wake up.

"I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep & there are no words for that"

"Anyone can slay a dragon ...but try waking up every morning and loving the world all over again. That's what takes a real hero."

"I was waiting for the longest time, she said. I thought you forgot.
It is hard to forget, I said, when there is such an empty space when you are gone."

"I saw them standing there pretending to be just friends, when all the time in the world could not pry them apart."

"In the end, I think that I will like that we were sitting on the bed, talking & wondering where the time had gone."

"They came to sit & dangle their feet off the edge of the world & after awhile they forgot everything but the good & true things they would do someday."

"We sat in the car
& the night dropped
down until the
only sounds were
the crickets &
the dance of our voices
& for a moment
the world became
small enough to
roll back & forth

between us."

i hold these dear in my heart. i'm unsure why.

Haley
just slightly confused about things that aren't important.

7:45pmDilly
Oh boys, ok

7:45pmHaley
haha
exactly

you tell me you love me again.

was it because you were "caught up in the moment" of intimacy?

you tell me you want me to meet your parents.

was it because you introduce all of your friends to your parents?

you tell me that you've been planning to take me to olive garden.

was it because friends always think about and plan on taking each other to nice restaurants?

we are so obviously more than friends.

i am so excited for the day that you realize it.

you aren't like the past guys.

you don't feel like you have some manly thing to prove to me.

you don't try to impress me with petty things.

you open the door for me, stand in the driveway until my cars out of eyes distance, you hold me up so i don't fall on the ice.

i wish your feelings weren't so bipolar.

after kissing me goodnight,

he whispered:
"i love you, snooki baby."

i guess this whole "not giving a shit" thing is working.